Love With All Your Heart Today

Today, at 11:32 AM, a good guy passed away at such a young age, leaving behind his wife, loved ones and friends. I met him within a year's time thru one of my best friends. He was around while having a fun night of drinking and an interesting cab ride with a detour to a Jack in the Box, a 49ers Super Bowl and have been to his house for Halloween and football games. He always made me feel welcome in his home, had an incredible sense of humor that was right up my alley and was called my friend's favorite of her boyfriend's friends. He just made you smile.

My friend told me of his illness on Tuesday. Today is Sunday. I don't know exact details but it is so crazy how quickly someone's world can abruptly change and end. It reminded me of my grandfather's last days. The day before he passed, I left him in the hospital in good spirits, had witnessed him eating his biggest meal in over a week and smiling. I arrived the next day to see him weaker and breathing heavy. He was being given a medication as he was propped up a bit in his bed when I walked in. I stood next to my Papa, smiled at him and said "Hi, Lolo." His eyes got big when he saw me and he lifted his eyebrows in acknowledging my presence, but he couldn't speak. At 1:45 AM the next morning, he became my new angel.

I could only imagine how his wife must feel right now, to sleep in the home she shared with her husband without him for the first time. I witnessed my grandparents' final moment together and witnessed my father calling my Lola saying "Pop is gone." I wanted to go be with her but Papa advised me to go home. I was the last one in the room with my Lolo before he was alone. I will never forget the feeling of not wanting to leave him all by himself.

Life can change in the blink of an eye.

In a couple of hours from now, in the middle of the night, a year ago I have had enough and finally had the courage to make a change. I acknowledged I deserved better. I was without a home, was unsure if I would ever have a family of my own, was unsure of my future and was definitely unsure of what parts of my life were based on truth and love versus deceit and lies. However, I was absolutely positive I had friends and loved ones that knew my worth all along and two in particular helped me that very night. One of those friends was one that lost her favorite today.

"Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Love with all your heart today."

I posted.

I did express my love for a friend today by supporting her efforts in improving her  life and career at her fundraising event, which therefore benefits the life of her young son. When saying my farewells, her boyfriend was so sweet in saying I was the most supportive friend she had. I did express my love to a very dear and long-time friend and her family, including her daughter whom I call my niece, by driving up to Davis for dinner and to catch up. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that little girl. I even put on a bib she gave me as she knew dinner time was coming and she fed me part of her PB&J. It reminded me of the time Baby Nate fed me bananas and I made a face. His mother said, "Auntie must love you if she'd eat bananas for you."

I received news of the sudden and newly deceased about 3pm. A rush of sadness came over me and posted on FB my sympathies in support of the friends that knew him. I say 'Love with all your heart today." I had to resist doing exactly that with one particular person that I wanted to practice what I say with. As of a week ago tomorrow, life took another turn. Perhaps it's just a detour. Perhaps all is as it should be. Perhaps my silence is indeed showing and expressing love. But I don't feel it with all my heart, not the way I know I can show, express and feel it. Call the day a total failure? I don't think so. I touched quite a few people's lives today. And it was all out of love. I just wish I didn't have to hold back with some people.

Tomorrow: Repeat.