Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Getting Older - What Now?

I think I need to free write. Please excuse the whirlwind that is my thought process.


I thought my age didn't really play a factor with how I'm feeling recently but what a coincidence that my 31st birthday is weeks away. Nope, no plans. I might take off from doing a promo event that evening but who knows. Maybe I'd rather be there than be at home on the couch. People say that their 30s are the best. I still have years to measure it against my 20s. My teens definitely are not in the runnings with attending three different high schools, having a long distance relationship, having an early curfew and basically held up for ransom. Not fun, let me just tell you.

My 20s were all about me. (Some would say it's always about me.) Yeah, they're right. When everyone is off doing their thing, you're stuck with just yourself, aren't you? In my 20s, I became a firm believer that you are the only thing that can make yourself happy. You have to allow yourself to be. If you're miserable, there's only you to blame. If you're out of money, it was your decisions that put yourself in that situation by not preparing for the unexpected or attempting to avoid it. I worked myself into a hole, I worked my ass off (and still do), had good relationships that I learned from, had many jobs, made great friends, unforgettable memories, had my heart broken for the first and only time, and moved on from so many things. I survived my 20s.

In my 30s, I feel I'm just not in my 20s anymore. I can't, I shouldn't be doing and feeling the way I do about certain things. I don't feel the pressure of society or my family to get married. I feel like it's more my body and the as close to ideal family life I can make up for myself. It's really funny that of the six grandchildren on my dad's side, I thought I was going to be first one to get married and have children. It looks like it's going by age, with my sis first, then my cousin in Hawaii. (I'll meet my nephew, Sol, this month.) I don't feel that it's a disappointment that I haven't reached the expected point in my life that other people saw for me. I guess I was always hesitant as a product of a really nasty divorce. Things don't last. People change their minds. People fall out of love. But I do know people personally that I can say without a doubt that they'll be together forever. I just don't want my child(ren) to also be a product of divorce. It is too painful. I can cry on cue because I can just think about that time of my life, how it still hurts, and it automatically makes me sad. Late night discussions after hours at the bar with my supervisor about this in the good ol' days and seeing me actually do it amazed him. I don't like thinking about it and I do not wish to pass on my 'talent' to my offspring. - A pessimistic Wedding Planner and Coordinator. - Perhaps it's not something I should blog about but everyone has a history, this is mine.

Continuing, into my 30s, I am finding that life is no friggin' fairy tale. You could be living in this circle of fairies and glitter because YOU are the only person that can make yourself seem happy, and then discover that in all your so-called joy of being obliviousness, it's all, ok, partially, a sham. Perhaps it's just me being stubborn but no one will change unless that person wants to. And you can't help someone unless they help themselves. This really ends up needing to accept who you are, (change what you want to change) and accept the kind of person everyone else is. Anyone that doesn't make it to your future is there for a reason.

I am also realizing that keeping yourself happy, accepting the things you cannot change, is exhausting. Sometimes you want someone to fill in your job of making you happy. Someone that will want to make you smile. It's not a job to them. The little things, really. I don't think it's too much to ask. For some people it's easy. For others, they have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. I love being overwhelmed with the little things. But perhaps it's my fault that I've put off the strong, independent persona for so long that I'm so-called happy with what I can get. Perhaps my 30s is also telling me to take a chill pill on this way of thinking.

I was recently told that all I do is find someone to blame when things go wrong. Do I really? I am not afraid of admitting fault or apologizing for accidentally causing someone pain. I can be a real bitch when I've been hurt and arms went-a-swingin'. But if it's valued and appreciated, I could be the best girlfriend, wife (whatever), in the world. Who knows if I'd ever get a compliment like that, or a chance to be at my full potential with these roles. As I Mother, I don't doubt it.

Where did all this come from? I spent yesterday fuming, saying my peace which basically got ignored, tried to brush it off, spent some time with someone that has my unconditional love (Baby Nate) and as usual, buried myself in work to hide the pain. Then the bad day trickled into today with being in traffic for almost 2 hours, the wrath that is the daily dollar, and realizing nothing's going to change after talk after talk, scream after scream and abrupt clicks of the phone. I hate crying at work. I hated going to school as a kid with my eyes all puffy from crying the night before because my dad dropped my sis and I from a weekend with him. I absolutely hate being asked if I am OK when I'm at work. Thankfully it didn't happen today. But my clerks knew I was having a bad day. As one of them was leaving, she said goodbye, I turned to her sadly and not sure how strong of the puppy eyes I gave her, but she pushed out her bottom lip, pushed her eyebrows together and waved. Then one of the newest clerks left me and I was alone supporting the office for the remaining 2.5 hours of the work day. Later, I received a text from him saying,
"BTW, you're a good supervisor."
It's amazing. Some people have a compassionate heart. Some, you have to listen real hard to hear their heartbeat, that is, if they even let you get that close. I saw the silver lining to a horrible day. If you ever come across this, thank you. You have no idea how much I needed that. Sometimes, this is all I need. Someone to understand what I need without saying a word.

He reminded me of a former clerk I had. Besides his resignation letter, he left me a personal letter I couldn't finish reading while at the office. Three brief paragraphs of how I, as a person, made an impact on his life and time at the company. Like anything else, I'm valued and appreciated at different levels by different people. For all that I do for some people, they're way of showing their appreciation is a slap in the face. I wonder how long I will let it last.

This all also reminded me of an earlier posting, Triggered Memories to "Makita Studio: A Love Letter" & ARC

Bottom line, I'm not sure where I am going to go from here. I just needed to write.


Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder, it's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah.......

(Chorus)
Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes, many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused, turned round
On and on, on and on
yeah yeah.....

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on
Over my shoulder (on and on)
It's tough getting older (on and on, on)
Yeah, yeah.....

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older


***UPDATE Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 8:45 AM***
And then, Jessica Herrin, our fearless and resilient Stella & Dot leader says to not whine. My favorite quotes from her 2010 Conference For Women speech in Boston, Massachusetts:

"What I have chosen to learn from life is that I'd rather be a naive optimist than a realist that is too tired to try."

"Outlast your problems."

"She thought about what she could do and did have."
In regards to her widowed grandmother supporting 1 and 3-year-old boys as an immigrant.



I'm done whining, Jessica.

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